


Last kiss

by ylc



Series: Band!AU [6]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, F/M, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Past Character Death, Past Jessica Moore/Sam Winchester, Pining, Underage Drinking, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, unrequited love (sort of)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-23
Updated: 2015-04-23
Packaged: 2018-03-25 08:12:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3803137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ylc/pseuds/ylc
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Part of the Band!AU series.</p><p>The aftermath of Sam's and Jessica's accident.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Last kiss

**Author's Note:**

> So… Here’s the thing. I wasn’t so sure about writing this part as a one-shot, because I thought it might end up feeling rushed and just weird… Although I LOVE writing angst, this is quite away from my usual type, so hopefully it won’t be too bad?  
> The song might not be a perfect fit, but it works. I think.  
> For Why_Not_Sabriel, who asked for this particular one shot. I hope I met your expectations?

Sam knows a thing or two about unhealthy coping mechanisms. After all, he watched his father drink himself to an early grave and all that came with alcoholism. When he was much younger, he used to hate his absent father, cursing his weakness and cowardice. Now however, he’s starting to see the appeal of drinking so damn much.

The alcohol numbs the pain; it doesn’t go away, but at least it’s not as intense. There are days when his whole body aches, but that’s nothing compared with the pain the memories put him through. Most of the time, he wishes he hadn’t survived.

But he did. Is it too late to fix God’s mistake? Because obviously he was the one meant to die, not Jess. Not sweet, bright, full of life Jess. She would have been sad at his death, but she wouldn’t be half the mess he is. He’s certain of that.

“Sam. Sam!” He glances in Dean’s direction; his older brother looks tired and worried while he stands at the room’s threshold. “Dinner’s ready.”

“I’m not hungry” he replies calmly, taking another sip from the bottle. He’s not even sure what he’s drinking anymore.

“Sam, you need to eat-”

“I said I’m not hungry.” His tone is harsh and final and he listens to Dean’s retreating footsteps with some regret, but not nearly enough to make him go after him.

A few minutes later, his brother comes back, carrying a bowl of soup with him. Of course Dean wouldn’t leave him alone; he should have known. “Leave me alone Dean” He tells him, still not looking at him in the eye.

“Sammy-”

“I said LEAVE ME ALONE!” He snaps, standing up and throwing the bottle against the wall. He catches a glimpse of Dean flinching and guilt replaces his anger right away. “Dean I- Shit, I’m sorry-” he says and Dean just waves him off, placing the soup on the counter next to the bed and exiting the room without another word.

Sam collapses back onto the bed, pulling his hair in frustration. He remembers all too well John yelling at Dean to leave him alone, throwing things, manhandling him. His brother always tried to shield him from their father’s worst moods but Sam remembers seeing Dean suffering through them.

How can he be so selfish? How can he be so lost in his own pain to treat his brother that way?

There’s no point on stressing over it, though. He’ll have to talk to Dean later, apologize and try to get a better grip of his emotions. His brother is just worried about him and it’s unfair to snap at him.

He glances at the now shattered bottle and sighs, before closing his eyes and letting sleep overcome him.

He’s tired. He’s hurting.

It still gives him no right to behave that way.

* * *

 

_It’s just one of those nights when everything seems too much. Ever since he got engaged to Jessica he thought he was finally over that, but it’s obvious he isn’t. There are days when he doesn’t give a damn of with whom Gabriel is, but there are nights like this…_

_He’s had far too many drinks when Jessica comes looking for him. She frowns, but at his current state he doesn’t particularly care. She manages to convince him to leave the bar, though._

_Jessica is driving, a frown still on her face. She looks worried and troubled and Sam feels like shit for making her upset. The night air sobers him up a little and Jessica’s dark mood also seems quite sobering._

_“I thought we had agreed you’re too young to be drinking.” She whispers, stopping the car at a red light. “What’s wrong, Sam?”_

_He doesn’t answer right away. His tongue feels heavy in his mouth and his thoughts are too scattered for him to make sense out of them. Jessica sighs, running her fingers through her hair, messing it up. Despite his inebriated state, Sam can’t help thinking she’s quite beautiful._

_He’s so lucky to have her and still-_

_“Is this about Gabriel?” she asks, her voice barely a whisper. She sounds in the verge of crying and Sam feels guilty right away, before registering her words._

_“What?” he asks back, dread suddenly filling him. What does Jess know?_

_“You think I haven’t noticed?” she questions, now sounding both upset and angry, “I don’t know if there’s some history between you two and I never wanted to ask but- Sam, I need to know-” she sighs, obviously frustrated. “I love you. And I know you love me. I just- I wonder, is it enough?”_

_“Jess…” he murmurs, not sure of what to say. He manages to slide closer to her, placing his arms awkwardly around her. “I’m so sorry Jess.”_

_She shakes her head, openly sobbing now. “I love you.”_

_“I love you too.” He utters with conviction. He does, he really does. But there are days- “I’m so sorry for making you doubt that.”_

_This whole conversation has been surprisingly sobering. Still, he wishes he hadn’t drunk as much, so he could come up with more eloquent words. “I’ll explain everything to you tomorrow.” He promises, placing a kiss on the top of her head. Jessica nods._

_“Okay. Okay.” She pulls away, looking unsure of what to do next. “I love you.” She repeats._

_“I love you too.” He assures her once again, before kissing her quickly. “Let’s get back to the hotel and get some sleep.”_

_She doesn’t get to answer._

* * *

 

Sam wakes up screaming. The ghost pain from metal pieces digging into his skin torments him, but the worst part is the hammering of his heart against his ribcage. The memories muddle up, but the pain doesn’t fade.

Someone is hugging him, rubbing his back and whispering soothing words against his ear. He’s shaking and crying, not really conscious of what’s going on.

“Deep breaths Sam. Come on Sam, take deep breaths.” Gabriel urges him, breathing along him, trying to help him to calm down. “In and out. In and out.”

After awhile, he finally calms down enough to notice his surroundings. Dean is standing in front of the bed, looking somewhere between scared and troubled and Gabriel is the one holding him. Which must be difficult, considering their size differences.

The thought is strangely heart warming.

Which succeeds in making him feel worse. The guilt eats him up inside, because just a month ago he lost Jessica and how can he even begin to consider enjoying being held by someone else?

“I’m fine, I’m fine.” He says, pulling away. Gabriel lets him go easily and that somehow hurts worse than anything else.

God, he’s such a mess.

A tense silence descends around them and Sam feels like he’s suffocating. He steps away from his brother and friend and heads towards the balcony to get some fresh air. It proves to be a terrible idea, when he hears the clicking of the cameras.

Damn it, he keeps forgetting the frigging paparazzis.

Dean shouts something at the photographers, before dragging him back into the room. He’s saying something, but Sam isn’t paying attention, to busy sorting through his emotions.

“Could you- could you leave me for a while guys?” he asks sheepishly, feeling like a jerk because they’re just trying to help and he keeps pushing them away.

“Of course.” Gabriel says, when Dean opens his mouth to protest. “We’ll be just outside if you need something.”

Sam sighs and looks around the room, looking for something to do to take his mind off things. Someone picked up the pieces of the bottle he shattered and the room is surprisingly tidy, so there’s nothing really for him to do.

He’s staying at the apartment he bought it L.A., the one he and Jess were going to move into once they married. He was planning on retiring and she thought she had finally figured out how to pay for the rest of her studies. They were going to start a new life here and now-

Now she lays in a cold tomb at the cemetery.

He curses, throwing something against the wall. Another thing follows and another and another. Soon enough, the whole room is a mess of tossed items, overthrown furniture and tangled sheets. He’s crying and screaming, but no one comes to try to calm him down.

He’s thankful for that.

“I’m sorry, so sorry” he tells the empty room, kneeling on the ground, feeling totally drained. Nobody answers.

He considers going to get a new bottle of something. The only thing that manages to stop him is the image of Jess’ disappointed frown whenever he picked up a drink. For now, the guilt stops him.

Later at night it won’t, but for now, it works.

* * *

 

Dinner is a tense affair. So tense, that Sam doesn’t know why they bother. Dean and Gabriel took some time off tour to be with him, but the truth is he would prefer if they just carried on without him. They’re not bad singers; they could probably maKe it on their own. Maybe they could even start looking for a permanent replacement.

He can’t go back just yet. He doesn’t know if he’ll ever want to.

He retires early, incapable of taking Dean’s and Gabriel’s worried and pitying looks. He locks himself into his room with a new bottle and takes a long sip. Jess didn’t like him drinking; always claiming he was too young, that he shouldn’t even be allowed to. For the most part, he listened. But sometimes things got too rough.

If he hadn’t gone to the bar that night- If he had stayed in as Jess had wanted- If his emotions weren’t such a fucking mess-

He hears some fumbling with the door’s knob, but he ignores it. He keeps drinking, steadily getting more and more drunk. Then the bed dips next to him and someone takes his bottle again. He makes a face and readies to start arguing with Dean when he notices his companion isn’t his brother. “How did you get in here?”

Gabriel shrugs casually. “I picked the lock.” For a while afterwards, neither say nothing.

“You can’t keep drinking like this, Samsquanch.” Gabriel tells him, placing the bottle on the counter on the other side of the bed. Sam tries glaring, but he doesn’t succeed. He can never quite manage to be angry at Gabriel.

“Listen, I- We want to help. But you gotta let us-”

“There’s nothing you can do.” He argues moodily. “Everything is my goddamn fault and there’s nothing you can do to help.”

“Kiddo-”

“If I- If I hadn’t gone out-”

“Sam, you can’t blame yourself” Gabriel protests. “It was an accident.”

“It’s just- I was so upset. And as usual, I didn’t think of anyone else but myself.”

“Sam-”

“I just cared about what I felt. I didn’t stop to consider-”

“Sam!” Gabriel interrupts him, taking him by the shoulders and shaking him. “Listen to me. It’s not your fault.”

But it is. Everything is his fault. “Leave me alone Gabe.”

The older male sighs. “Okay. But- please remember we’re here, if you need us.”

He gets up and exits the room, leaving Sam feeling hollow. He stares at the empty side of the bed and breaks down sobbing when the treacherous wish to call Gabriel back and get him to stay is his bed sneaks into his head. His emotions are a mess, but the guilt is the worst of it all.

Jessica would still be here if he wasn’t such a stupid, pining, ridiculous, love-sick fool. She would still be alive if he had loved her enough. She would-

Well, none of that matters now, does it?

* * *

 

_The pain is immediate. Metal pieces of the car dig into his skin, breaking it. It hurts so much that he loses consciousness right away._

_When he wakes up, he’s being rushed into the ER. He’s confused and scared, wondering about Jessica’s fate. Much later he’ll find out she died on the impact and the small consolation would be that she didn’t suffer._

_Doctors come and go, each one with a darker set of news. He has some broken bones, but their main concern is all the internal bleeding. They put him down to sleep, but there might have been something wrong with the anesthesia dosis, because he remembers bits and pieces of the OR’s conversations._

_When he wakes up in a hospital room, his first question is about Jessica. After being told the news, he tries to stand up; needing to see his fianceé’s body before believing them. Dean and Gabriel somehow manage to get him back in bed and the doctor gives him some pain meds that get him to sleep once more._

_Dean frets a lot. Sam can hear his brother crying more than once, begging him not to leave him. Sam thinks that’s the only reason why he keeps on fighting, despite how tired he feels._

_Maybe Gabriel’s own pleas also have something to do._

* * *

 

A few days later, Sam is drinking alone in his room once again. Dean and Gabe stick around as much as they can, but they got other things to do. Sam is glad for the space,  even if he thinks that maybe one day he’ll manage to poison himself with alcohol after being left alone.

At some point, Dean comes in, bringing some sort of salad with him. Sam eyes the food without interest; he barely eats these days. Dean sighs and places the plate on the nightstand. “Sammy, I- You need to eat.”

“I’m not hungry.”

Dean sighs, running his fingers through his hair. “You can’t leave me, Sam. I know it’s terribly selfish of me, but you can’t- you just can’t-” He takes a deep breath and looks at Sam in the eye. “Please.”

There’s a part of Sam that wants to yell at his brother. But he’s too tired and not nearly drunk enough for that. “I’ll be fine.”

“Dad always said that.” Dean whispers, looking so young and afraid. “Don’t do this to me, Sam. I can’t take it.”

Sam sighs, feeling slightly frustrated but overall just bone-deep tired. “I never understood how dad could be so weak. How could he… turn all his pain and anger on us. On you” Another sigh. “I’m starting to understand.”

“I don’t- I don’t exactly know what you’re going through. Nor what he went through. But if you die Sam- If you- if you stop fighting-” Dean looks in the verge of tears and Sam hates himself for making his brother feel so upset. “I don’t want to find out exactly what it feels to lose the one you love most.”

That startles a laugh out of Sam. It’s completely the wrong reaction, he knows, but he can’t help himself. “That’s the worst part.” Sam says, his tone bordering with hysterical “Jessica wasn’t- I- I loved her, but she wasn’t-”

He breaks down at that. The sounds leaving him are a mixture of hysterical laughter and broken sobs and suddenly Dean is gathering him in his arms as best as he can, just like when they were children and rubbing circles in  his back, trying to calm him down.

“Don’t you see, Dean?” he whispers, sounding a bit crazy. “I’m such a fuck up.”

Dean doesn’t reply, he just keeps on holding him.

* * *

 

_“It’s all your fault. You killed me, Sam Winchester.”_

_The Real Jessica would never say such things. If the Real Jessica could talk to him now, she would probably encourage him to move on with his life. This is a nightmare, he knows it logically, but it still feels real to him._

_“I’m sorry” he whispers, crying. “I’m so sorry.”_

_“It’s your fault” Dream Jessica repeats, glaring at him. “All your fault for being so weak. For being incapable of face the truth. For dragging me into a fake relationship.”_

_It wasn’t fake. He loved her. Just- It’s just-_

_“You’re pathetic. And I hate you. I wish we had never met.”_

_For the most part, so does he._

* * *

 

“Hey, kiddo, you gotta wake up. Sam. Sam!” Gabriel is the one to wake him up. For a few seconds neither of them speak, while Sam tries to shake off the nightmare that pains him more than his still healing wounds.

“Where’s Dean?” he questions, since he last remembers his older brother sort of rocking him to sleep.

Gabriel sighs. “He’s- Out.”

They’re hiding something. “Gabe, what’s going on?”

The older male sighs. “He- He sort of got in a row with Crowley. Things are a little tense, since we postponed all the tours-”

“You two should go back to the tours. I- I don’t think I’ll be back anytime soon.”

Gabriel glares at him. “We’ll wait. We’re in this together, Sam.”

He wishes Gabriel’s words had a slightly different meaning, but that just makes him feel guiltier. He reaches for the bottle on the nightstand, but Gabriel beats him to it. “No more alcohol for you.” The other man informs him. “Not on my watch.”

He remembers his first clumsy attempts of flirting with Jessica. His heart aches for what he had and lost; all because he wasn’t completely satisfied with it.

God, he’s a terrible person.

Gabriel is staring at him in a mixture of worry and confusion, so Sam asks the first question which comes to mind. “How’s Kali?” Which of course turns out to be the worst question ever.

Something flashes in Gabriel’s eyes, but it’s gone before Sam can even begin to try to figure it out. “Fine. On some Fashion Week on some country I can’t remember.”

Sam regrets asking the question, mostly because now Gabriel looks frustrated. The younger male doesn’t understand what’s going on inside the other’s head, but he doesn’t press the issue. “I think I should get back to sleep.”

Gabriel frowns, but nods slowly “Alright. You do that. I’ll wake you up when dinner is done.”

“You’re cooking?” Sam asks, curious.

“I’m full of wonders, Sammy!” Gabriel calls back, leaving the room.

Sam smiles lightly, before laying back down.

“Do you- Do you wanna talk about it?”

Sam stares at his brother, who’s standing at the room’s entrance, looking unsure. It’s been two days since the last time they talked, so Sam isn’t sure what he’s referring to.

“About what?”

Dean bites his lip and enters the room. He looks uncomfortable now and Sam understands he’s really out of his deep. Dean hates talking, especially about feelings, mostly because he’s quite emotionally constipated.

That’s the result of growing up in such a broken family.

“Jessica. You- you said-”

Sam remembers now. He closes his eyes and shakes his head, while his brother finishes approaching the bed and taking a seat next to him. “I- I shouldn’t have say anything.”

Dean shrugs. “We don’t have to talk about it, if you don’t want to. But- Maybe it’ll help.”

“Really?” Sam asks, slightly amused, “you wanna talk about my feelings, Dean? What happened to your ‘no chick flick moments’ rule?”

Dean scowls, now looking both uncomfortable and frustrated. “I wanna help you, Sam. I’m not very good at this but-”

Sam smiles sadly. It’s true; Dean struggles with opening up and Sam is being a jerk by making it harder on him. “I-” Sam bites his lip, unsure of what to say and how to say it. “I loved Jessica.” He utters, with conviction, even if it sounds a little defensive. Dean just nods. “I truly did. But-”

They stay in silence for a while, Sam unwilling to confess, Dean not wanting to press. Finally, the younger one continues. “I’m in love with someone else. And that night- That night Jessica asked me about it. I- I didn’t get the chance to explain.”

His brother nods, thoughtful. Still, he doesn’t say a word and so Sam carries on. “I was out drinking because- Even though I had Jess and loved her, something- it always felt like something was missing. And there were days when it just was too much.”

“You feel… guilty, then?”

Sam nods. “Yes. It’s my fault, you see? If I hadn’t-”

“Sam.” Dean interrupts him, his tone sober and demanding attention. “It’s not your fault.”

“But I-”

“It was an accident. The other driver’s brakes failed, neither you or Jessica could have-”

“But if I hadn’t gone out-”

“Sam, you can’t blame yourself for that.” Dean tells him, forcing him to make eye contact. “You did nothing wrong.”

“Did you miss the part when I got engaged to Jessica while I was in love with someone else?”

Dean sighs. “This- this other person. Is there some reason why- why you haven’t say anything?

Sam stares at his brother for a long while, not really wanting to confess. Still- “It’s Gabe.”

“Oh.” Dean looks away and Sam feels even worse. Even his brother knows how helpless his situation is and now he’ll pity him forever. “I- I don’t know what to tell you, Sammy.”

They stay in silence for a while. It’s not exactly uncomfortable, but neither is it comforting. “It wasn’t your fault, Sam.” The older Winchester says. “I- I can’t help you with the other thing, but I- I can try to convince you it wasn’t your fault.”

Sam nods tightly. “I would like to be alone now. But maybe- we could get dinner later?”

Dean smile is sad and yet hopeful. “Of course. I’ll be in the living room.”

And with that, he leaves Sam alone with his thoughts.

* * *

 

_“It really isn’t your fault.”_

_Dream-Jessica sounds more understanding than last time. She smiles briefly and Sam remembers exactly why he loved her so much. “I’m so sorry Jess.”_

_The dream-apparition shrugs. “I’m gone, Sam. Nothing will change that.” She sounds resigned and that’s even worse than when she sounded angry. “But you’re still here. You can’t follow me. It’s not your time yet.”_

_“Jess-”_

_“You’ve got things to do. People to love and who will love you back. Don’t give up Sam. Don’t give up on yourself.”_

_Sam cries and for a long time, Dream-Jessica holds him._

* * *

 

When he wakes up, he feels drained, but at the same time, he feels lighter. It was all a dream, of course, but he knows the real Jessica would approve of Dream-Jessica’s words.

He’ll get over this. It won’t be easy, but he’ll manage it. One day, he’ll successfully move on.

It will always hurt, but eventually, it’ll become bearable.

Time heals all wounds after all.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> So, thoughts anybody?  
> I rather enjoyed how this turned out, even though I’m a little worried a treated the themes lightly? I just didn’t want to make it very depressing, but maybe I exaggerated? Please let me know what you think.  
> Writing for this series always give me lots of Sabriel feelings. Therefore, even though I had already started writing another Destiel one shot for the Random Songs inspired AUs series (Remind me) and I wanted to write another one (The one who got away) and I have yet to finish “Mine”, I’m going to write another shot for this series.  
> Maybe I should just stop pretending these are just a bunch of somewhat related one shots and write an actual fic- a very long one, by the looks of it.  
> But I supposedly don’t have time for that.  
> Anyway, please forgive my ramblings.  
> Stay tuned! Remember you can also find me in ylc1.tumblr.com and suggestions are always welcome!


End file.
